Becky knows that I have battled weight problems for years as she has been doing my hair through fat and thin. Some of her close family members have weight problems too, so she understands how difficult and devastating it can be.
When I told her that I had started a blog about my weight problem and the food that I am eating, in the hopes that writing about it would help me understand myself better, she started asking me some thought-provoking questions. "Do you think about food all the time?" Yes. "Have you given up on yourself?" No. She surprised me by telling me that she didn't think I was fat and thought I was very nice looking. What??????? I always feel so ugly when I go to see her and it made me feel good to know that she thinks of me as nice looking. Later when I thought about it I realized that she is thinking that extremely obese people are fat and I just have some extra pounds so I'm not really "fat".
We also discussed about how everyone is dissatisfied with their bodies. I think of her as just about ideal and she thinks she has this horrible roll around her waist. She thinks I am just fine like I am and I think I am fat and ugly.
She was not discouraging me from dieting, she just wanted me to start liking myself for what I am and stop beating myself up so much. Her encouragement was another reason I like her so much.
Since I finally finished reading my book club book late last night, I went back this morning to reading the Geneen Roth's book, Women, Food and God. I started all over again because I wanted to underline and journal as I read. So much to absorb - so much to think about. I'll write more about it as I get further into the book.
Food today:
Breakfast - toast with almond butter, half a Navel orange.
Lunch - Egg salad sandwich, pickles, Trader Joes veggie sticks
Book Club - small piece of blueberry cake (no frosting)
Now, here is where I get into trouble. After book club, I didn't want to go home because then I would have to get busy on one of my craft projects. (Have to???) I stopped at the drug store to pick up a prescription and also picked up a magazine (time waster) and the bag of chips seen below. A small bag and with less calories than regular chips - but absolutely unnecessary. I ate the whole thing while reading my magazine. I wasn't hungry and although they were crunchy, they were not anywhere near as good as regular potato chips. Once again, it was a form of procrastination - the magazine and the chips - a stop-gap before having to face my projects.
Now why do I "have to" work on my projects? Well, what else am I going to do with my time? Quilting and stitching and knitting are crafts I have chosen to do to fill my time and hopefully fulfill my need to be artistic and produce things. I have spent an awful lot of money on supplies. I can't just walk away from these crafts and start something new in my life. What would I do? See, there is so much thinking to explore, so many questions to ask myself, so much more to this weight control issue than just counting calories.
For supper I had the leftover stir-fry veggies from yesterday and the same dessert - one scoop of frozen vanilla yogurt with 1/4 cup of peaches.
I did get busy after supper and worked on some stitching that needed to be done for a class tomorrow. I was very worried about getting the assignment done correctly but surprised myself by making my way successfully through the complicated instructions. My fear was unfounded - my procrastination unnecessary.
Feeling sad that I ate those chips........................ Bonnie
2 comments:
Interesting how we perceive ourselves and how others see us......I have already scrubbed my teeth for the evening in hopes that I will stay out of the kitchen....10 p.m. is snack time..hungry or not !!!!
Screw the chips!! It was a small bag and you were completely self-aware about what you were doing and that's far better than mindless eating!! Remember that book ... "Mindful Eating"?? So next time something like this happens, well, maybe you'll have a small bag of good chips or choose not to have chips. Today is a new day. New choices and a new start for feeling in control and happy about who you are ... a child of God and a gift to me! A smile that brightens everyone who receives! And stop on the "ugly" - that's how you feel and not how you look. I totally get that framework - I often, and readily, feel ugly to me. I know culture thinks that fat is ugly and I guess at some level we agree with that or we wouldn't be bothered. Praise God we are bothered and still searching for ways to get rid of the excess that makes us feel ugly and unloved. But you are beautiful! You wow people consistently because you don't look your age. You have fabulous skin tone and a pretty face. You and I "feel" better and prettier when we are thinner. These are all internal views of ourselves about our external selves. It's good we care and are still working it out ... off I go for errands. Have a fabulous Saturday!
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